


Streetlight

by dark_Horizon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Changkyun is not taking Kihyuns bullshit, Changkyun wants to help, Fluff, Kihyun wants to be there for everyone, M/M, Yoo Kihyun-centric, can be read as pre-relationship or friends, changki, kihyun is stressed and exhausted, nervous restlessness, the beginning is kind of dark but it gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25202956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_Horizon/pseuds/dark_Horizon
Summary: There are days were you just fall apart and feel not good enough. Kihyun keeps smiling, because he doesn’t want his friends and fans to pick up on his tiredness. He knew it was just the stress, he was fine, he was happy. He just wanted somebody to ask him if he was really okay. And somehow Changkyun becomes his light in the dark even though he felt they were further apart than ever before.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	Streetlight

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm back with another story. Honestly I'm not satisfied how this turned out, but I decided I worked too long on it to not post it...  
> And yes this whole fic is inspired by Changbin's (Stray Kids) - Streetlight.
> 
> Warning: I am describing some symptoms of nervous restlessness if that triggers you, please, don't read it.  
> Also the symptoms I'm describing are what it felt like for me when I had nervous restlessness a few years ago, I don't want to down play anything.
> 
> English is not my first language, so please excuse any weird phrasing or mistakes you may find and don't hesitate to point them out to me.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. None of it is true.  
> Don't like, don't read.

Kihyun was tired. His body hurt and it felt like he couldn‘ t catch his breath no matter how long he waited. He felt kinda sick. There was a pressure on his chest like somebody was kneeling on his upper body which made him short of breath. Tiredly he put a shaking hand to his heart to will it to slow down. He didn’t care about the cold rain that was soaking him to the bone since he was only wearing a T-shirt and a black zip-hoodie which clung to his skin. Just a few steps more and he would be at the doorstep of their dorm and he could go to bed. _He was fine._

The blonde man fiddled with his set of keys to look for the right one to open the door. Their apartment was dark when he entered it, so his friends were either all in their rooms, asleep or still not home. Kihyun put off his shoes at the door and put them on the small shoe rack beside it. He felt a pang of annoyance when he saw the mess on the floor, because the others hadn’t bothered to put their shoes away. It also told him that his group members were all home except for Changkyun. The purple haired rapper was probably still at the studio producing or getting lost in some lyrics he was writing and lost track of time. He thought about calling the younger man, his fingers hovering over Changkyun’s number on his phone. He pushed the call button, but ended the call as soon as he heard the dialing tone. The rapper was old enough to look after himself, he just would get annoyed and tell him to leave him alone and that he wasn’t a child if he told him to come home. He also wasn’t on the best terms with their maknae lately. He had the feeling that Changkyun was avoiding him. There was a distance between them he didn’t know how to close anymore. It wasn’t the age gap, but their relationship had grown kinda cold. They had different interests and opinions, there wasn’t much they had in common. And maybe he had nagged and pissed him of one to many times. Kihyun felt a wave of emotional hurt and sadness wash over him. He felt like crying, but he wouldn’t. He was the strong, confident one, who would always give encouragement and hope to their fans and everybody around him. He had to smile for them and give them strength. He had to make sure that they were all fine or call them out to get it together when one of them got out of line. Even when he himself was just pretending for them. Why was he thinking about all of this now? He didn’t want to think about it. Kihyun paused in the dark living room, water dripping from his clothes on the floor. For once he didn’t care. The vocalist put a hand against the wall to hold himself up, his right hand once again wandering to his heart. _He was fine._

  
Kihyun slowly made his way to his room, getting a dry change of clothes. His head was reeling. He went into the bathroom and took a quick shower, which probably wasn’t a wise decision because his mind became hazy, black dots dancing across his vision, ears ringing. A sign that his circulation was about to give out on him. He stood still for a moment willing the darkness to go away. He put on his dry comfy clothes, a black T-shirt and jogging pants, pausing every once in a while to not black out, yet. His body became heavy and it was kinda hard to breathe. He slowly spread his wet clothes over the edge of the bathtub to let them dry. He would throw them in the hamper when they had dried. Kihyun went over to the basin to apply his facial cream and brush his teeth and to do his evening routine. When he finished brushing his teeth he felt like throwing up. He braced himself on the basin, breathing even more heavily, trying to not to gag on the taste of his tooth paste. He looked in the mirror when he felt his strength fade completely. His vision was blacking out more and more and the buzzing in his ear got louder. He clung to the edge of the basin, his knuckles turning white. He had to lay down, otherwise he would black out in the middle of the bathroom. He struggled to held himself up and blindly stumbled to the door. He went down the floor his hand against the wall to support him. He couldn‘ t see anything on this point. Each step felt heavier and his legs threatened to give out. After what felt like eternity Kihyun was in front of his room, sinking against the door for a moment before staggering through it, not bothering to turn on the light, because what good would that do him right now. When his legs hit his bed he let himself fall on it, curling up in a fetal position. He had no longer any power in his limbs. His mind blacked out for a few seconds and Kihyun blinked rapidly, struggling to not lose consciousness again. He clutched his hands into the blanket, breathing heavily. His heart was still beating crazily fast like he had just run a marathon. His lungs were on fire.

Through the buzzing he heard some noise, but he didn’t know what it was until there were hands on him. He startled and tried to get away from them, trying to push the hands away from him.

“Hyung?! Hey, it’s me, it’s me. Hyung, what’s wrong? Hyung?! Talk to me... Are you ok?”, he heard a deep, but slightly high pitched voice saying.

Kihyun didn’t answer for a few seconds. His brain trying to process what was going around him. Changkyun, it was Changkyun. He hadn’t heard the younger come home, when did he come home? Slowly he relaxed and let himself sink against the others body. Looking for warmth. It was so cold. Why was it so cold, wasn’t he hot a second ago? He put a hand against his head, softly shaking it to get rid of the haziness in his brain, before turning his head to the side to look at the young rapper.  
  
“Hyung? You good?”, Changkyun sounded kind of scared.  
  
“I’m ok, Kyunnie. Sorry for scaring you. You can let go of me. I’m fine. I’m fine.”, Kihyun pressed through his teeth. He felt Changkyun’s hand on is back, rubbing soothingly over it. His mind was clearing again. He could see how worried the younger man looked, in the faint light of his bedside lamp. The other must have switched it on when he came into his room.

“I’m fine, Kyun.”, he repeated again, slowly turning his body do face Changkyun, who was sitting on his bed. The purple haired man didn’t let go of him. His hand still resting on his shoulder, but not moving, knowing well that Kihyun wasn’t a big fan of skinship.

“What happened, hyung? Do you feel sick?”, Changkyun asked again.

“I’m okay. I got dizzy, because I’m exhausted. Dance practice is another level of evil... I probably also didn’t drink enough today.”

Changkyun looked at him doubtingly. “I know, hyung… Promotions are going to be tiring… Do… do you need something? Let me get you a glass of water.”, Changkyun said softly. He squeezed Kihyun’s shoulder reassuringly before standing up. _  
_ Kihyun smiled at Changkyun. “Thanks. That would be nice.” The younger left the room to go to the kitchen.  
  
_Don’t go._

Kihyun looked hat the empty spot were Changkyun was standing a moment ago. He was not gonna let the younger know that he was slowly breaking. He didn’t want them to show his weakness, that was not who he was. So he was pretending to be strong. He wanted to be a tower of strength for everybody, his members, their Monbebe, he wouldn’t be the reason they lost strength. The pain in his heart was increasing, but he had just go numb to the feeling and forget about it. He would handle it. Still he needed somebody to ask him if he was _alright_ alright, needed somebody to see him, to see through him. But he was also scared of that. He didn’t want to seem weak.

Changkyun came back from the kitchen with a bottle of water in his hand.

“Here, drink this.”, Changkyun said while sitting down at the edge of his bed. Kihyun sat up carefully and took the bottle from Changkyun’s hand, drinking half of it in one go.

“Thanks. When did you come home?”

The younger watched him, brushing a stray strand of hair out of his face.

“Just now. I was putting my shoes off when you stumbled out of the bathroom, which was unlike you. I called for you, but you didn’t answer so I got worried and followed you.”, Changkyun said concern still lacing his voice. Kihyun looked down at his lap, not being able to look the young rapper in the eyes.  
  
“I’m fine. I got dizzy while taking a shower, the water must have been too hot, so I wanted to lay down and ride it out. Sorry, I couldn’t hear you, because of the buzzing in my ears. Don’t worry, it’s nothing. Like I said, just really exhausted.”  
  
_Ask me again if I’m okay._

“If you say so.” Changkyun looked hat him unsure before reaching out to him, putting a hand on his cheek. His thumb softly stroking his cheek once. Kihyun closed his eyes for a second. Soaking in the warmth that Changkyun was giving him. _He felt lonely._

_He was fine._

“Urgh, let go of me. Don’t touch me.”, the older joked and shoved the younger’s hand away. Still holding longer on Changkyun’s hand, contradicting his words. But the rapper didn’t say anything, just scoffed softly.

“Get some rest, hyung. It’s late, tomorrow will be exhausting again.”

“You too. Thanks for the water and … Thanks for the water.”, he repeated.

“It’s nothing. Tell us if you feel dizzy again at practice. Sleep well.”

“Will do. Good night!”

A few days passed. Kihyun still felt nervous and restless. He hardly slept. He also kept screwing up more often at dance practice than it was to his liking. Minhyuk and Hyungwon were teasing him nonstop for it. Shownu looked at him worriedly seeing his growing frustration, but didn’t say anything. Kihyun hid behind his smile. He had even trouble with singing, because he couldn’t control his breathing like he was supposed to. He wasn’t satisfied how anything turned out. It wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t good enough. He had to get himself together.

Sometimes he felt Changkyun’s gaze on him, but the younger also didn’t speak up. He hoped that the younger wasn’t catching up on his emotional turmoil. Changkyun was very perceptive and attentive.

A few days later Changkyun came to him in the evening asking him to eat chicken with him, because he had ordered too much. They chatted lazily, joking around, but he couldn’t look him in the eyes, afraid what the younger would see there. Changkyun didn’t ask anything. It was a nice evening. He felt at ease for the first time in a long time. _He was fine._

Three days later, Changkyun broke down after dance practice exhausted and in pain, because of cramps. Shownu also had increasing back pains and was suffering. They worked so hard to give their Monbebe a good comeback after everything that had happened. That’s why he had to be strong. His hands were still shaking from time to time and more than normally and his heart rate also didn’t slow down, instead it beat like it wanted to spring out of his chest, but he would manage. He had to make sure that Changkyun was okay. They all went back to the dorm. Changkyun crawled into his bed without saying another word and passed out instantly as his head hit his pillow. Minhyuk wrapped around Changkyun, holding him to give the youngest comfort. Kihyun ordered some soup for Changkyun and take out for the others. He stayed in Changkyun and Minhyuk’s room when the slightly older went to take a shower and eat something. He thought about trying to wake Changkyun up to get him to eat something, but he guessed it was better for him to sleep, he could eat something when he woke up. He made sure that the younger was tucked in fully and comfortable and that there was a bottle of water in reach. Kihyun checked if the youngest had a fever, but he seemed to be fine. Kihyun even bit the bullet and started to play with the younger’s hair, because he knew he liked it. He didn’t like to see the younger suffer. This wasn’t fine.

When Minhyuk came back, he went back into his room. He sat down in front of his bed. His knees pulled up against his body, his fingers pulling on his blonde hair. He breathed harshly, biting his lips, his eyes filling with tears. It hurt him to see his friends suffering. He felt so empty once again. _But he was fine._

  
The next day Changkyun was feeling better again to his relief. So they continued to prepare for the comeback, prerecording shows for their Monbebe to watch when they were busy with the comeback and music shows. He spent some time with Hyungwon, Minhyuk and Shownu. He didn’t know how Shownu did it, he had an air of calmness around him even when things got ugly, always honing his skills. He was like a shield for them. He really admired him for how he dealt with things and how much of a tower of strength he was, even when he was having a hard time himself. He was marvelous, he really admired and looked up to him and didn’t know what to do without him. So he wanted to be strong for Shownu, too.

One evening he stayed late in the practice room. The others were long gone, back to their studios or home. Kihyun practiced his solo dance part again and again until he felt like his lungs would burst at every given moment. He laid panting on the floor, wringing in pain. His hand clutching at his chest, trying to stop coughing and wheezing. He pinched his eyes close, his other hand pressing against his eyes.  
  
“Hyung, did you see my...”, Changkyun’s voice suddenly came from the door, before he stopped mid-sentance. He sat up quickly, his hand still pressing against his chest, but Changkyun had seen it. “Hyung, you good?” Changkyun dropped down next to him, checking his body to see if something was wrong.

Kihyun smiled. “I’m good, just catching my breath. What do you need?”

Changkyun bit his lip, watching him wearily, his gaze piercing into his. Kihyun felt uncomfortable under the younger’s gaze, afraid that he would look through him.

“Did you see my charger? I think I forgot it here earlier…”, Changkyun said trailing off and looking around searchingly.

Kihyun also looked around the room where their stuff was on the side. Kihyun stood up slowly, going over to the side, picking up the rapper’s phone charger. The purple haired man had followed him silently, standing directly behind him when he turned around. Kihyun hold out the charger to his friend not aware that his hands were still shaking.

“Hyung...”, Changkyun started softly. “What is it?”

Kihyun tilted his head questioningly. “What do you mean?”

“There’s something going on with you. Why won’t you tell us what’s wrong.” _No, he didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t ready. That would make it real. He was fine.  
_The blonde laughed. “What? What are you getting at? There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Suddenly the purple haired man was direct in front of him, their faces just centimeters apart. Kihyun smelt the younger’s perfume, which Changkyun loved so much. He smelt like the ocean, it was calming. He liked his scent. The rapper covered his hands, seemingly taking his charger. But then kept tightly holding on his hands.

“Hyung, your hands have been shaking for days, you are always out of breath and you keep clutching your chest. Don’t tell me you are alright. We all have seen it. Fuck, I even saw you pass out a few weeks ago. So don’t give me this bullshit that you are alright. You are not. I won’t pressure you into telling me what’s wrong. We’ve been talking, the others and I, and none of us know what’s going on, you are shutting us all out. We see that you suffer, but we can’t get to you. I just want you to know that we are here and that you can talk to us. Don’t shut us out.”

Kihyun swallowed looking at the floor guiltily, licking his lips not knowing what to say, so he stayed silent. Changkyun sighed frustrated. Suddenly he was pulled into a crushing hug by the other. Kyun played with the short hairs on his neck, the other hand spread over his back. His body tensed up, but he slowly forced himself to relax and hugged Changkyun back.

“Please hyung, let us in, we’ll get through this together whatever it is. You don’t have to deal with it alone. Don’t be stubborn. “

“Changkyun.”, he said his voice breaking slightly. He wanted to say more, but no words left his mouth. Instead he let himself slump slightly against the younger, who was still caressing him carefully. They stayed like this for a while. Kihyun couldn’t say how long it was. It could have been only a minute, or five or an hour. He didn’t know.

“Let’s go home together, hyung. It’s late.”, Changkyuns said softly. He could swear he felt the barely there press of a kiss just above his ear, but it also could have been accidentally, he didn’t even know what was real anymore. Maybe he imagined it. Normally he would have hit the younger for his cheesy, touchy behavior, but in this moment he was glad about the comfort the younger had offered him. Honestly he was surprised that the younger didn’t call out his bullshit more harshly. Changkyun wasn’t afraid to speak is mind, he was well known for that.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Over the next days Changkyun stayed close to him. Giving him small comforting and reassuring touches here and there. The younger never had been very affectionate with him like he is with Jooheon or Minhyuk on a constant basis, so it was a rather new sensation. It was nothing extreme, he would just squeeze his shoulder every now or then or pat him on the back or make sure that he stayed hydrated. Sometimes Kihyun still wondered if he had been to harsh with their maknae in the past, if it was his behavior that had him pushed away. If he was the reason that they were so distant. It wasn’t like that they weren’t friends, they were pretty close despite everything, but still not that close if that made any sense. He regretted this sometimes. It was probably his own fault he knew that he wasn’t easy to deal with. So he didn’t know if it was pity what made the other to stick close to him or if he really cared. He wished he could be close to the younger rapper like the others. At practice he kept looking at Changkyun. Damn when had he grown up so much? He really hat turned in a great man. He was so proud of him. Kihyun always tried to support him as much as possible, especially when they were in America. And in a way Changkyun was more mature than most of them combined.

“What?”, Changkyun asked, when he caught him starring.

“Ah, its nothing. Good work today, let’s get home.”, he said with a warm smile.

Changkyun looked back at him confused. “Yeah, good job today, hyung. Let’s order some fried chicken. I’m hungry.”

“Since when do you like fried Chicken so much?”, Kihyun said with a laugh while pressing a hand to his chest once again massaging the spot over his heart slightly. The pressure in his chest had gotten worse again over the last few days.

“I don’t, but you do. There are worse things than chicken.”, Kyun answered. “You alright? You keep rubbing your chest.”  
“I’m fine. It’s nothing, don’t worry. Come on, let’s go.”

Back at the dorm Kihyun flopped onto the couch. He felt gross and sweaty, he needed to take a shower, but he didn’t want to move.

“Come on, hyung, go take a shower, I will order the chicken in the meantime.”, the young rapper said, hitting him softly on his ass to encourage him to get up. Kihyun groaned. He didn’t want to get up. Slowly he propped himself up on his arms, before finally standing up.

“I’m going, I’m going.”, he said with a yawn.

He went to his room to get some clean clothes and took a quick shower and washed his hair. The hot water felt nice. After that the went back to his room, flopping on his bed. He just would stay there until the food was delivered.

“Hey, hyung, wake up. Food is here.”, he heard Changkyun’s deep, but nonetheless soft voice, through his sleep-addled brain. The younger shook him carefully by the shoulder to wake him up. Kihyun hummed sleepily, tucking his fingers in fists and curling on in himself.

“Hyung, come one. You need to eat something.”, Changkyun said laughing slightly at Kihyun’s look. “You look so cute right now.”

“I’m not cute.”, Kihyun grumbled still half asleep. Suddenly there was a camera flash. Kihyun opened his eyes reluctantly. “Did you just take a photo of me?”

“Maybe. Monbebe will surely disagree with you. You look cute.”

“Gimme your phone, maknae.”, Kihyun warned reaching for Changkyun’s phone but still not moving.

“Nope, now get up before the food gets cold.”, the rapper said patting him on the side, before holding his hand out to him to help him ab.

“Stop bothering me, I will get up.”, Kihyun said, taking Changkyun’s hand and sitting up.

“Atta boy.”, Changkyun grinned.

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”, the younger hummed.

“Urgh, now I want to bleach my ears.”

“Your loss, hyung.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t and you know it.”, Changkyun said while passing him and taking his hand to pull him along in the living room to eat.

“Where is everybody?”, Kihyun wondered when nobody else was in the room. He thought they would all eat together.

“Out I think. There’s nobody home.”, Changkyun said while sitting down in front of the couch and taking the chicken and side dishes out of the bag. Kihyun sat down next to the rapper on the floor, looking for his share of the meal. They started to watch some Netflix series while eating. But Kiyhun couldn’t really focus on it. After they had eaten he put the leftovers away and threw out the take out boxes, before flopping back down next to Changkyun. He was exhausted again. He leaned his head against the couch and watched the series lazily. Out of the sudden he felt a new pang in his chest, his hand automatically going to his heart, which beat like crazy, without thinking. He sighed and closed his eyes in annoyance. Why couldn’t that feeling just go away? He was sure it was just stress, but it sucked. Suddenly his hand was covered by another. He opened his eyes looking once again at Changkyun’s worried gaze.

“Please, hyung, just tell me what’s wrong. You give me anxiety.”, the maknae’s fingers tightened around his hand. “You have been off for days when not even weeks… Your heart beats really frighteningly fast for just sitting still, are you nervous?” The younger bit his lip a conflicting look crossing his face. Kihyun felt heavy, he didn’t want to have this conversation. He wanted, but also not. He knew that didn’t make sense, but dreaded what would come next.

“It’s really nothing to worry about, Changkyun.”, he said calmly covering the younger’s hand on his chest with his other hand. “I just feel stressed. I have this pressure in my chest every now and then which makes it kinda hard to breath and my heart rate goes up for no reason and feel a bit jittery. But it will be fine.”

“That sounds awful. Did you go to the hospital?”, Changkyun asked softly curling around him carefully.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Hyung!”, the rapper said sharply, hitting him softly. “Please go and get checked out in the hospital to be sure. That’s no joke. Don’t say it’s nothing, because it clearly is not nothing.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you are not! Look me in the eyes and tell me that you are fine, because I know that you are not. I see the pain in your eyes, hyung. Please.”, Kyun started begging. “Just take off a few days if you need it. You told Shownu and Jooheon it’s fine that their health comes first, so why are you so stubborn when it comes to your own health? What are you afraid of?”  
Kihyun breathed harshly through his nose and swallowed hard. What was he afraid of?

Kihyun huffed. “Why do you care? Do you even like me like all the others?”, the vocalist said sharply, he hated that his voice slightly broke at the end taking some of the venom out of his words. He knew his words were uncalled for and not fair, but right now he just felt like a cornered animal. He tried to push Changkyun away, because he still wasn’t ready to have this conversation. He would never be.

“What the hell are you talking about, hyung? Why are you saying this?”, Changkyun said clearly upset about his words. “Of course I love you like the other hyungs. You know that I look up to you. Where is this suddenly coming from?” The purple haired man turned in his position, cupping his face with both hands. Kihyun didn’t say anything in return. Now he had fucked up everything with his unreasonable behavior. He was so fucking weak. _No, he was not fine. He was a mess._  
Kihyun was slipping. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to fight back the tight feeling inside of him, as well as the tears that were welling up in his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. He couldn’t. He buried his face in his hands when a strangled sob escaped him.

“Hyung, no don’t cry. I’m, I’m not angry at you.”, Changkyun said softly, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. When had he actually started crying?

“I’m sorry, Changkyun. I… I haven’t exactly been a good hyung to you in the last few years. I never bothered to close this looming distance between us. I feel bad about it, because I have the feeling that we never do something together.”, Kihyun admitted, still sniffling.

“No, hyung. That’s not true. You have always been there for me. I just wanted to give you your space, because I respect you. I didn’t want to hurt you, if this is what I have done I’m sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. We can do more stuff together in the future. But I know this is not what is really bothering you right now. We are having two conversations at the same time right now”, Changkyun closed the distance between them putting their foreheads together. “Please tell me what upsets you. I know there’s more. This is so unlike you. Don’t try to push me away and get all defensive on me.”, he whispered gently.

Kihyun licked his lips nervously. “You know we have been through so much shit the last few years. I always tried to stay positive, to be strong and give hope, to be better. I didn’t want to let anybody down. No, that didn’t come out right, let me rephrase that. I still have hope, but I’m so exhausted. I still want to be somebody you all can relay on no matter what. I want to give you strength, I want our Monbebe to smile and not give them a hard time, because they are worrying. I want to make people comfortable. But lately I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s not like I’m unhappy. It’s just… I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore to be this person. That I’m not enough…” Kihyun didn’t know how to describe it. Kyun wiped at his tears, listening to his words silently.

“It’s okay, hyung. You are enough, you do so much, you work so hard all the time. You keep getting better and better. You are more than enough. Those who think otherwise don’t deserve you. You don’t have to be strong for us all the time. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to need a break. The last months were so stressful. We got you. Your health is more important than anything else… Let’s go to the hospital together tomorrow morning. Maybe talk to Jooheon about it, I know it’s different for you and what he was feeling, but you know Jooheon has been there. And Jooheon his a great motivator.”

“I’m sorry. “, Kihyun sobbed again, fresh tears running down his face. “I’m a mess.”

“No, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I got you, I got you.”, Changkyun said softly wiping his fresh tears away and rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Hyung, let me hug you properly, okay?” The younger said pulling Kihyun along with him on the couch, laying down there. Changkyun pulled him to his chest, wrapping both arms around him to hug him tight.

“You know, you crying like this means you really hurt. And we all know you only cry buckets of tears, when it comes to family or a particular nerve is hit.. I should have known it when you let me hug you in the practice room without saying something that something was going on.”, Kyun said reluctantly. In response the blonde man only tightened his grip on the younger’s t-shirt his fingers curling firmly in the soft material. Changkyun rubbed his head against Kihyun’s like a cat, before nosing along Kihyun’s neck. His head was empty, he felt guilty for breaking down like this. But right know he felt warm in Changkyun’s embrace, slowly letting his body relax. The younger always smelt so good. He felt drowsy. The emotional stress of the last weeks and month catching up to him. The purple haired man still caressed him softly. He blinked sleepily, trying to keep his eyes open. Changkyun seemed to see his struggle to stay awake.

“It’s ok, hyung. Go to sleep. I will stay with you.”, Kyun said softly, placing a soft kiss on his temple. Kyun’s touch was so calming, and with this on his mind he felt asleep.

When Kihyun woke up the next morning Kyun was wrapped tightly around him, hugging him to his chest. The younger was still asleep. Yet again, he noticed that the purple haired main had this calming scent of sea salt around him. The vocalist turned his head slightly to check the time from the light that was coming through the windows. The house was quiet, so it had to be shortly after sunrise. They would be able to sleep more. Someone had put a blanket over them in the night. Kihyun looked at Changkyun’s sleeping face. He looked so cute and calm while asleep. Kihyun smiled slightly, before carefully trying to get out of Changkyun’s grip without waking the younger up. He really had to go to the bathroom. Kyun stirred slightly, clearly displeased that his source of warmth was gone.

“Where are you going, hyung?”, he mumbled sleepily, his voice even deeper from sleep.

“Go back to sleep, I will be right back, I just have to go to the bathroom real quick.”, Kihyun whispered back while tucking the younger back in. True to his words he went to the kitchen to drink some water, before going to the bathroom. On his way back he noticed that it was raining outside, it would be a gloomy day. He padded back to the couch and Changkyun automatically lifted the blanket to let the older crawl under it, immediately pulling him back to his chest.

“Now go back to sleep, hyung.”, the younger said while running a hand through Kihyun’s hair. The older man sighed softly, making himself comfortable again in the arms of the younger. He thought he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, but after a few minutes he was drifting off to sleep again.

When he woke up again Changkyun was already awake, looking at him in deep thoughts.

“Morning.”, he said stretching slightly in the younger’s embrace.

“Morning, sleepy head.”, Kyun said back with a smile. “Did you sleep well?”

Kihyun hummed content in response.  
“I’m glad, you looked so tired yesterday.” He bit his lips, feeling uncomfortable thinking about his breakdown.

“I am s-”, Kihyun started, but the younger immediately covered his mouth with his hand.

“Don’t even start.”, he nearly growled. “Let’s wash up and go make breakfast for the others.”

Kihyun wanted to apologize again, because he was really a fucking dick yesterday, because of his emotional turmoil he had going on.

“Kyun…”, he trailed off looking hat their maknae. The younger looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Kihyun swallowed. “Thank you.”, he said instead. He knew that Changkyun would understand what he meant.

“Don’t mention it.”, Changkyun said standing up. They took their turn in the bathroom doing their morning routine and taking a shower. Kihyun already started to prepare breakfast while the rapper took a shower. After a few minutes the purple haired man joined him in the kitchen, watching him silently until he helped him cook.

“Hyung…”, he started hesitantly and very unlike him. “Will you tell the others what’s going on?” Kihyun sighed, stopping cutting vegetables for a moment.

“I will. I will tell them at breakfast, before we go to the hospital, ok?”

Instead of replaying the younger came over to him and hugged him from behind. “Thanks.”

  
Half an hour later the other members woke up and came into the kitchen, looking what they were cooking, all still looking bleary. They had no schedules for today, so it was okay. When the food was ready they all ate together in the living room. Kihyun didn’t feel like eating, because he was nervous to tell the others. He picked at his food until Changkyun subtly squeezed his shoulder to comfort him, sensing how tense he was. It was now or never.

“Guys, I… I have to tell you something.”

The others looked up from their food, looking at him questioningly, suddenly looking more awake sensing that something was going on. And then he told them everything he had told Changkyun the evening before. He also told them about his plan to go to the hospital with Changkyun after they had eaten. They all understood where he was coming from and promised to do everything to support and help him. Jooheon made him promise to have a meal with him soon. Kihyun looked calm to the outside, but inside his heart was nearly bursting with relief and warmth to have his friends by his side. He had been stupid to hold it in. He had been really foolish and stupid. But he had been afraid.

In the afternoon he called his manager, telling him that he was going to the hospital. Kihyun was rather nervous, but Changkyun was a calming presence by his side. He was thankful that the younger was by their side. Their trip to the hospital was rather unspectacular. He described everything to the doctor he had been experiencing the last few weeks and months, how exhausted and stressed out he felt. They did some examinations and an ECG to make sure that there was nothing wrong. In the end his doctor agreed that he was suffering from nervous restlessness, caused by stress and overworking himself. He recommended him to take it slow for the next few weeks and that the best would be to take a little break at least until the comeback. The doctor also described him also some homeopathic pills to help him feel calm and at ease. Kihyun didn’t want to take a break, but he would have been a hypocrite not to do it, when they told Jooheon the exact same thing. So he agreed. Health always comes first.

Changkyun and their manager were waiting for him in the waiting area. He smiled slightly. Telling them what the doctor told him. Kyun pulled him in a comforting hug, telling him that he was relieved, that it sucked, but that he was relieved that it wasn’t something more serious. That they would get through it. Together. When he came home the others were relieved as well and Jooheon made it his personal mission to glue himself to his side, knowing how he was feeling. Everything would be alright.

Kihyun still didn’t know how to feel about all of this, but he knew it was for the best. Nonetheless it wasn’t easy. But when has life ever been easy? He wasn’t fine, but he would get there, maybe not completely until the comeback, but with time. He still worried about their Monbebe, they will be shocked and some will be angry for whatever reason, he knew this. But he wanted also to get better for them, so that he could shine for them again.

Kiyhun was laying on his bed, watching some drama when there was a knock on his door and called them to come in.

“Oh Changkyun, you are back already?”, he asked surprised. After their trip to the hospital the younger went back to his studio to work. He didn’t expect him to be home this early.

“Ah yes. Can I come in?”, the younger asked unsure.

“Yes, of course. Come in.” Kyun closed the door behind him, joining him on the bed.

“What are you watching?”

“Hospital Playlist. It’s rather calming and funny.”

“How can a drama about medical stuff be calming?”, the younger asked warily, one eye brow raised while laying down next to him.

“It really is. It’s heartwarming. Stay and watch with me?”

“Sure. Let me shower first, then I will join you.”, the purple haired rapper said.

“Sounds good. Have you eaten, yet?”

“No. I will just order something. You want something?”

“I’m good thanks, I have already eaten.”

“Alright, I will be back.”, Changkyun said, standing up again and leaving his room. Kihyun also got up to get some water and looking if the others were around. He found Shownu eating alone in the living room.

“Are the others out?”, Kihyun asked.

“Ah yes, Hyungwon and Jooheon went out to eat and I think Minhyuk went over to Wonho’s to eat with him.”, Shownu answered. Kihyun hummed in acknowledgment and went to the kitchen to get a bottle of water and sitting down on the couch next to Shownu.

“Have you eaten?”, the older asked him, pointing to all the food on the table.

“Yes, I have, but thanks anyway.”

They talked while Shownu ate his dinner until Changkyun came looking for him.

“Hyung?”, Changkyun said, dry toweling his hair. “Ah there you are. Is dinner here, yet?”

“No, not, yet.”  
They stayed with Shownu until Changkyun’s food arrived and he had finished it, because there was no way that Changkyun was going to eat in his room and on his bed. When the younger had eaten his dinner he cleaned everything up, before declaring that es was ready for their binge watching marathon. They asked Shownu if he wanted to join them, but he declined saying that he would go work out in their gym.

They went back into Kihyun’s room, making themselves comfortable on his bed.

“You ready?”, Kihyun asked, when he had gotten comfy.

“Yes, let’s go.”, Changkyun said.  
When they were halfway through the first episode Kihyun kept checking for Changkyun’s reactions. He didn’t want to bore the younger if he took the time to watch something with him. Changkyun was slightly smiling at the end of the first episode.

“It it alright?”, Kihyun asked unsure.

“Yeah, you were right, it’s kinda heartwarming. It’s a feel-good series. We can watch another episode if you are up to it. The blonde man beamed at the rapper, starting episode 2.

During the episode Changkyun seemed to relax more and more, unconsciously snuggling up against Kihyun. He smiled happily. He had been so stupid for not saying a word to the others how he felt. And suddenly he knew he would be really fine. It was just a hiccup. Maybe it would take longer than he liked, but with his friends around, he would be fine eventually, he already felt better since he told them. And he was really grateful for Changkyun. He only noticed that he had been staring at Changkyun, when the younger looked hat him questioningly. It seemed to become a habit of him.

“What?”

“Nothing.”, Kihyun said truthfully. “Just thank you. Thank you for pushing even when I didn’t want to talk about it. Thank you for being by my side.”

“Anytime, hyung.”, Changkyun said softly. “Even though I also screwed up.”

“No you didn’t. That was me being silly and defensive. I always knew that it was me who was responsible for the distance between us. I just didn’t know how to close it after all this time.”

“Just speak to me, when there’s something on your mind again, ok hyung? Promise?”, Changkyun asked sternly while wrapping an arm around him. “Just talk to me.”

“I will. Please do the same. I know that I’m not always easy to be around and that I can be bossy. Just tell me.”

“When I was I ever afraid to tell you off, don’t worry, I will let you know and give you a piece of my mind if I think you are out of line.”

The blonde main vocalist smiled, running a hand through Changykun’s hair. “Thank you.”

They went back to watch the series, having no clue what they just missed, but they didn’t care. The important thing was that they had each other. That they all had each other. Kihyun had never realized that he needed somebody by his side.

“Stop thinking, hyung. I can hear your thoughts, just relax.”, the younger nearly whispered. Kihyun searched for the younger’s hand, interlacing their fingers and letting Changkyun’s hand rest over his heart. Kihyun became sleepy in episode three, struggling to keep his eyes open once again. So he snuggled even closer to Changkyun, his warmth lulling him slowly to sleep. The younger’s hand still resting over his heart giving him comfort. He had never realized how good it felt to have somebody beside him. The purple haired man would have to stay with him again for the night. There was no way he would let him leave. He felt calm when the other was around. He wouldn’t give up this feeling easily.  
  
He wasn’t fine at the moment, but he will be in the future with his brothers by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, you made it to the end. Thank you for reading! I would be happy if you would let me know what you think about it.


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